Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if circumstances had worked out differently. 

What if we had been able to have the first kid at 29 instead of 33? 

What if we hadn’t had more fertility problems and miscarriages between the two kids? 

What if it had been easier to have kids? 

What if J hadn’t been a c-section? 

What if I hadn’t been sick for months with the second pregnancy? 

There are many unanswered questions of what might have been. We were different people at 29. We’d only been married a little more than a year. 

We talked about having four or five kids. We were fuzzy on the details and hadn’t been around a lot of families with several little kids, but we knew several families that had 4-5 adult children and they seemed close knit. 

Reality however was another story. We were given the opportunity to go overseas and so we held off an extra nine months, followed by a little more than two years of infertility. It turned out I had ovarian cysts. 

In mid-thirties, we had our first child. It was a complicated delivery that ended with a c-section but a healthy baby boy. 

When that boy was a year old, we started trying for a second. The cysts were gone right? This shouldn’t be a problem now. 

Except that there were different problems. After a series of miscarriages we learned I had a clotting problem and the clots were ending the pregnancies. I went on a blood thinner and we got pregnant with baby number 2. 

Following a difficult pregnancy and repeat c-section, we decided we were done. Hypothetical kid number three wouldn’t be feasible until 39 or 40 and we were considering a career change at that point. 

We were tired more than anything. Infertility and miscarriages take a lot out of you. The idea of continuing just seemed exhausting and heartbreaking. 

I’m happy, relieved and content with our decision to stop. 

But I do wonder sometimes if things would have been different if it had been easier. 


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